Friday, 7 November 2014

I want to kill myself - don't wait.

Jump. Die. Kill yourself. I HATE MYSELF. I should die. Why am I alive?

Yes I should die. But I am still alive.

Why did I wait?

Yup. I will try to address this question in many skeptics' minds.

Why wait? Just die lah!
Even before deciding to visit the site of death, I would have been 'waiting' and thinking about death for some time. Why not die immediately? Because death is an uncertainty no matter what. Death IS scary somehow.

I waited because I was afraid. I waited because dying is a one-way ticket to an unknown destination. I waited because just like any other important decision of one's life - people do THINK before making the final choice. (Some people even take forever to decide what to eat for lunch.) 

Jumping is a very dramatic and scary way to die so it's natural for us to hesitate. Analogy: Imagine you on your exciting first try at bungee jumping - even if you're 'serious' about bungee jumping, you will most probably hesitate just before you jump. Does it mean you don't want to do it? 
I mean c'mon, those who attempt suicide by jumping may be depressed. Depression (or other mental illnesses) doesn't make us superheros immune to the natural instinctive fear of heights.

I've sat on a parapet before. I wasn't waiting for rescue. I was waiting for the moment I had the courage to jump. Yet it's not that simple. Our minds are not static. 

Thousands of thoughts will flash through your mind during that wait. (Be it a 10 seconds wait or a 10 minutes wait).
Will it be painful?
Will I traumatize the poor neighbours?
Is this the right decision? There's no turning back.
Is it high enough? 
Is there anyone downstairs, I hope I don't land on somebody. 
Please, mother, forgive me.
Will somebody catch me and tell my parents/friends?
Will I go to jail if I don't succeed? What if I become disabled?
Will anyone miss me?
Can anyone save me from my pain?
What should I do? Can I live? Can I don't die? 

In a way, maybe you're right about one thing - I may not have wanted to die. As aptly put by* 

"Most people who commit suicide don't want to die—they just want to stop hurting."

Why would I want to die? I don't even know what it leads me to.
I'm just seeking a way to escape this terrible pain.

But does that mean I'm seeking attention? - Not exactly.
Does that mean I'm not suffering? - No.
Does that mean I'm trying to put up a show? - No. (I scared until leg what? You think mediacorp?)


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