Good bye forever

I never thought I would post again. This was just created in the heat of the moment with regards to discrimination against people who attempt suicide.

Unfortunately, a friend just passed away - from suicide. This is the first time I attend a funeral of a young person. She's so so young. My heart breaks as I imagine how alone & helpless she must have felt. Did she regret the act the moment she fell? What if she had a split-second feeling/thought of regret....nothing could have been done right?

I don't blame anyone, not even her. Nothing can be done now. She has wiped her future blank. Nothing - not a billion dollars, not shouts and quarrels, not even if anyone wants to 'exchange' their lives for her, not even words, not even hugs... Nothing can be done now. Nothing. She has left us absolutely helpless.

It made me reflect on the misconceptions I have/had as a suicidal person.

- Nobody cares.
Not true. Many people care but don't show it until SOMETHING happens (of course... It may then be too late).

- Those who are affected will get over it sooner or later.
No. I don't think her family who is totally shattered inside out will get over it EVER. Even for me...honestly, as 'just' a friend, memories may fade but I don't think this/she can ever be forgotten... How is it possible when her death is so traumatic and so 'sudden' (the word everyone keeps repeating about this)?

There's so much more I hope to share but I am so drained after the wake.




Anyway... I really learnt that we shouldn't keep things to ourselves and try to solve every problems on our own so I asked for help from someone close. I needed some support since I'm quite affected.... yet I was rejected.

Then it got me thinking.

Most people reacts to death negatively...especially for suicides. But before it escalates to this irrevocable situation, what if someone you know asks for some help or a listening ear? Would you find him/her troublesome/irritating/attention-seeking? Would you lend a helping hand?
Or would you choose to judge the person and assume that everything would be all right and only care about your own needs? Are you too busy/tired/helpless/_insert_other_adjectives ?

I don't advocate ignoring our own needs and only tending to others... but just ... really. It's easy to say 'Why didn't she talk to me....' blah blah blah after the person is no longer here.
But if she really did ask for help, would you have given your time, love and patience?

It's not an easy answer for me as well. I am human as well and furthermore, I know my mental state... so sometimes I am not that available to emotionally needy people.

Then now I'm thinking... what if I've just given 5 minutes of my time? What if I've just shown more care? Can I choose to show more care to someone in need even if I don't feel like it or should I choose to just don't care so much and then regret when something bad really happens?

-end-

P.S Sorry for any poor language...I'm not in a good state, not going to edit.. at laeast for now.

P.P.S For those who are suicidal, please please please give yourself and your loved ones another chance. Everything has a solution...even if the answer is not the most perfect. Please, please, please give us a chance to help. Call SOS 1800-221-4444 to speak to someone. If you cannot control your urge to kill yourself, please go to a hospital - there are people there who will help you. If you just want to chat, you can also email them at pat@samaritans.org.sg




To my friend: Girl, I can't imagine not seeing you again. It's so weird. I won't forget you. Sorry that I only cherish you so much more after you're gone, forever.